Four Terrifying Animals (That Can’t Hurt You)

While lots of sites will tell you that animals like sharks, bears and wolves aren’t nearly as dangerous as everyone thinks, the fact remains that they can still fuck you up. Hell, even rattlesnakes, who kill 0.96% of the people they bite, will still put you in the ground if you’re drunk enough to decide to play catch with one of them.
Still, some animals that humanity has decided to be terrified of are actually completely harmless. Animals like…

• 4. Lice

Lice-infestation is ranked pretty high on the list of Terrible Things That Can Happen to a Middle-Schooler. As soon as symptoms appear, schools with a “no nit” policy (which most schools have) will react by immediately sending the kid home and telling them not to return until they’re “cured.” The result is people spending absurd amounts of money to dig the bugs out of their kids head.
Which is totally reasonable! They’re bugs! Eating you, right next to your brain! Right?
Why This is Ridiculous
First off, the “symptoms” that indicate you might have lice is actually just one thing — an itchy scalp, which can be caused by dry skin, tangled hair or the fact that someone mentions it (which is why you’re scratching your head right now). This is probably why 40% of lice infestations are misdiagnosed, and the kids on the fun side of that statistic got to chill at home and play Diablo 3 for no reason.

Second, even if a kid does have lice, odds are they’ve had it for four to six weeks and been contagious just as long, meaning that if anyone else is going to get “infected” it’s most likely already happened.
Finally, there’s the little fact that lice don’t do anything. They cause no disease, cause little irritation beyond a slight itching, and aren’t nearly as contagious as most people believe. They aren’t even attracted to uncleanliness, as is often assumed: science says they’re equally common in clean and dirty hair.

• 3. Cockroaches

Roaches are almost universally considered a sign of low class and laziness. It’s widely accepted that they only live in dirty, gross houses, owned by dirty, gross people, and that they spread all kinds of dirty, gross diseases. Also, they have teeth in their stomachs, which is terrifying.

Why This is Ridiculous
The simple fact of the matter in this regard is that, like lice, Roaches don’t do anything to you. A recent scientific study found that they’re actually cleaner than people, with self-care habits resembling those of cats. Their ability to carry diseases is compared in that study to a person’s ability to track dirt into a house after going outside. This means that while it can happen, it’s no more or less likely than with any other animal.
Probably the most amazing thing about these disgusting little bastards is that they’re almost single-handedly responsible for maintaining a climate that humans can live in. They play a key role in releasing nitrogen from decaying organic matter, which is necessary for the survival of most plants. This means that if we got rid of the roaches, we’d also be getting rid of all the forests – which would probably be bad for humans in one way or another.

• 2. Tarantulas

Tarantulas usually rank somewhere between “holy crap!” and “AHHHH!!!!” on the “how most people react to things” spectrum. There’s just no getting around the fact that all spiders are scary because they look almost nothing like us: they have too many arms and not enough face, and how are we supposed to read your emotions if you don’t have comically large eyes?

Do you… want a hug?

Why This is Ridiculous
Despite what Jeff Daniels taught you in the single most important film in American history, Tarantulas aren’t actually the least-bit dangerous. Though they technically could bite you, they never, ever will — and if they did, the amount of venom wouldn’t even be comparable to a bee-sting. They’re basically furry little eight legged cats. With no face.
That doesn’t help, does it.

• 1. Scorpions

As arachnids, scorpions are basically spiders + claws and a lightening quick death stinger, which is more proof that mother nature is just fucking with us at this point. It’s commonly accepted by the scientific community that nothing is made better by the addition of a stinging death-tail[Citation Needed], especially if that thing is a spider, which we already find scary (see: previous entry in this list, in case you’re reading this backwards or have terrible short term memory or something).

Why This is Ridiculous
Statistics are boring, so I’ll supplement these with images from Clash of the Titans, because this is literally the only good way to use that movie.
There are about 100 species of scorpion in the United States, but only the Arizona Bark Scorpion is dangerous enough to be lethal to a person.